The Humiliation (is worth it).

I haven’t really written anything, because this process of introspection is humiliating. Internally humiliating. The things I find myself thinking about people, the things I realize about myself, the memories that rise to the top of my brain, and the million tiny ways I mess up and trip up and fuck up…

It’s like being sixteen years old and realizing that no matter how articulately you converse, no matter how elegantly you style yourself, you won’t be an adult until you’re an adult. The only thing that’s going to bring about maturity is time. Lots and lots of time. Like having to wait for some devastating heartbreak to stop hurting and bleeding out your energy. There’s nothing to be done but live through it. I know that doing this work and reflecting on these feelings is a positive thing, but it’s overwhelming to know that this is such a long, slow process and that I’ve barely even started.

Paying closer attention to my biases and interpersonal interactions has given me plenty of opportunities to feel thoroughly ashamed of myself every day. Facing my own internalized racism is a BITCH! It sucks! I catch myself thinking things about people of color that I’m not even ready to repeat here, ’cause I’m still shuddering at myself. And it’s not even anything unusual.

One productive thing I’ve gotten out of this so far is an appreciation for how scary this process could be for someone who has no interest in or awareness of anti-bias theory. As a willing participant, I’m struggling through all this crap because I am totally convinced that it is some of the most valuable work that I could ever do. And it still kinda sucks. I will keep this in mind as I deal with other people whom I’m bringing this idea to, to convince them that it’s the way to do business. It’s not easy to enter into, as important as it may be.

Anyway, gotta go get ready to head out. More later.

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